


Mea Culpa

by seamuxfinny



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt!Merlin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Romance, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-07
Updated: 2013-01-14
Packaged: 2017-11-24 00:40:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/628328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seamuxfinny/pseuds/seamuxfinny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin is dying, and Arthur is to blame.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Arthur didn't know that it was possible to feel so much pain. He had been through the most horrific physical injuries and sicknesses, but none of them compared to the pain he felt now; the pain he felt even though there were no wounds on his body. He stared up at Merlin's pale white face, every ounce of his body wishing that the dark haired boy would open up his eyes and be okay. He wanted nothing more than to see Merlin smile, and to hear his stupid voice again. But he didn't believe that would ever happen.

Merlin wasn't dead, but he was as close as it comes. It took Gaius over an hour to stop the bleeding, and by the time he had done so the sword wound on Merlin's stomach had become an angry red color with infection. Gaius had told Arthur that it was unbelievable that the boy was still alive at all, considering all the blood he had lost. He also said that Merlin was as good as dead, and would probably never wake from his unconscious state. Arthur asked if there was something, anything that he could do to help his friend, but Gaius said that there was no way he could help the dying boy.

Arthur hated the feeling of helplessness. It clawed at him and made him feel like the most useless person in the entire world, because his best friend was going to die and he couldn't do a single thing about it. He sat next to Merlin's bed, holding his hand and watched as he got paler and paler with each passing hour. He could see how even in his sleep, Merlin's face was scrunched up with the terrible pain of his wound. Seeing Merlin in pain and not being able to do anything about it was killing Arthur, and he couldn't seem to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

But the feeling that was ten times worse than the helplessness or the fear was his guilt. It was all his fault that Merlin was laying here two feet from death. There was no one to blame but him. He had done this; he was the one at fault for all of Merlin's pain. It was a burning feeling inside of his chest, eating him alive because he knew that if it weren't for him, Merlin would still be happy, healthy, and safe.

Arthur's grip on Merlin's small hand tightened as he looked over his body. He had never looked so small, so pale, or so skinny. It didn't seem fair that he should be laying on a bed dying, while having done absolutely nothing wrong. Merlin had simply been asked to come along on a simple hunting trip because Arthur wanted the company. He hated himself for bringing Merlin along, if he hadn't then none of this would have happened. Merlin would be his old, happy self.

Maybe if they had gone hunting in a different part of the woods, then Merlin wouldn't be dying. Or maybe if Merlin had been feeling a little sick that day, and couldn't come with. Maybe if Arthur hadn't been so distracted during the trip. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. His head was filled with the word. If only one tiny thing had been different, then none of this would have happened. But maybe wasn't getting Arthur anywhere. No matter how hard he thought about how little something could of changed to save Merlin, he wouldn't wake up. He couldn't change the past, no matter how much he wished that he could.

"You need to wake up Merlin, for me. Just wake up, please. Wake up! Come on, Merlin, wake up!" Arthur whispered to Merlin's unmoving form, tears starting to form in his eyes. No matter how much he begged, Merlin wasn't waking up. Knowing that didn't stop him from hoping, from pleading, from begging Merlin to come back to consciousness. Nothing would bring him back.

As Gaius quietly entered the room to give Merlin his medicine, he saw Arthur sitting next to Merlin's bed, clutching his hand with tears falling.

"Arthur, it's not your fault," Gaius said in a reassuring voice.

"Don't say that, Gaius!" Arthur screamed, "Of course it's my fault, everything is my fault! If it weren't for me, he'd still be perfectly fine!"

"It's not like you meant for him to get hurt, Arthur," Gaius said, trying to calm the Prince down.

"So? Who cares whether or not I meant to do it! I did, and now he's dying because of it!"

"I'm doing everything I can to keep him alive, Sire. I promise you that."

"But what happens when he does die? You said yourself that you didn't think he would make it! What am I supposed to do with all of that guilt for the rest of my life?" Arthur asked, his voice still in a loud scream.

"Arthur, I told you, this is not your fault," Gaius said again, attempting to bring Arthur's voice down.

"Gaius, how can you say that?" Arthur shouted, "I was the one who ran that bloody sword through his stomach!"


	2. 2

"I can't believe you actually talked me into coming, Arthur. Do you have any idea how busy I am today?" Merlin said.

"Oh, shut up," Arthur said, "I can't stand going on hunting trips with just the knights for company, they can be so _boring_."

"Are you calling _me_ interesting?"

"I didn't say that, you idiot."

"It was implied," Merlin said.

"Was not."

"Was too! You think that I'm interesting, you prat!"

"I most certainly do not. Let's just get back to the task at hand, please."

"What task? We're still just riding!"

"Exactly. Focus on riding," Arthur said.

"I will not _focus_ on riding! There's nothing to focus on!" Merlin argued.

"You should really do what I say, Merlin," Arthur said jokingly. The two bickered back and forth about the stupid argument, keeping their horses slightly in front of the Knights' ones. They hated when some stupid Knight tried to add his opinion to their arguments; it ruined all the fun. The ride only lasted for another half hour before they came to a clearing in the woods, and decided to set up camp there.

In the middle of setting up their weapons and equipment, a large, winged beast flew down into the clearing and gave a great roar, showing the Knights its long fangs. They hastily picked up their swords and began fighting the beast, but their blades didn't seem to be inflicting any pain onto it. Panicking slightly as one of his Knight's fell to the ground with a shoulder wound from one of the fangs, Arthur picked up his sharpest spear and threw it at where he thought the beast's heart was, but even his spear wasn't nearly enough to stop it.

Arthur and the Knights continued to fight the beast, but nothing they did seemed to be working. Just as the Prince was about to order everyone to run away from it as fast as they could, he felt a cold, skinny hand grab his shoulder and yank him out of the clearing. The hand pulled him behind a large tree, and he couldn't see the beast or his Knights anymore. Looking up to see who had dragged him, he saw a tall, skinny woman with dark red hair. He recognized her immediately from the last time he had been in the woods. He was forced to kill the woman's son, because he had already stabbed two of his Knight's to death, and had almost killed a third.

" _You_ ," the woman said coldly, "you're the man who murdered my only son."

"I'm sorry, but I had no choice. He had killed my Knights, and I wasn't about to let him kill any more of them," Arthur said, not breaking eye contact with the woman but itching to get back to the clearing and help his Knights.

"You have no idea what this is like; the constant pain. My son did not deserve to die!"

"Your son was a murderer! I killed him in defense of my kingdom and its people!"

"You need to feel the pain that I felt, you dirty scum!" the woman said with a look of disgust in her eyes.

"Please, calm down. We can discuss this in a better way," Arthur reasoned.

"Interficiam te diligis, qui maxime!" the woman said, her eyes flashing a deep gold as she did so. Arthur felt a shiver go through his body when she spoke the incantation, and his eyes widened when he realized that she was a sorceress.

"Sorceress!" He screamed, "What spell did you just put on me?"

"That is none of your business," she said simply before disappearing with a snap of her fingers. Arthur stared in the place where she was only seconds before, and stood in confusion for a few seconds before remembering that Merlin and his Knights were still up there with the beast. He could figure out what the sorceress had done to him after he defeated the creature.

When he got back to the clearing, he saw the beast dead on the ground and his Knights patting Merlin on the back. There was blood from the creature everywhere, and only one of his Knights had been injured in the whole process.

"Arthur, there you are!" exclaimed Gwaine, "Merlin here just defeated this creature! He picked up a sword from the ground and shoved it up a spot in the beast's neck, its only weak spot! He said that he'd read about them before, and that's how he knew."

Arthur looked at Merlin, and instead of feeling pride and warmth for the young manservant as he expected he would, he felt pure hatred. There was a terrible feeling welling up in the pit of his stomach, like he wanted to kill Merlin with every ounce of his being. A voice started whispering in his head, _Kill him, kill him, kill him now. Grab that sword and stab him to death._ But then another voice popped up, louder than the last, _No, don't kill him! He's your best friend, why would you want to hurt him?_

The two voices in his head started shouting at each other, and Arthur couldn't tell which one belonged to him and which one belonged to him and which one was foreign. They began to scream, one telling him to kill Merlin and the other telling him to do everything in his power to keep the manservant safe. His head started to pound with all of the confusion and screaming, and he felt like if it went on for one more second he would go absolutely crazy. He felt another shudder flow through his body, and the voice telling him to kill Merlin grew stronger and louder than the other one, filling his brain with noise.

His entire mind was suddenly filled with one objective: Kill Merlin. He gripped his sword tightly and started charging towards his manservant, screaming so loudly that he couldn't hear his Knight's shouts of confusion. He saw Merlin's terrified face come closer and closer as he ran, and the unexplainable rage he felt towards him grew stronger and stronger as he closed the distance between them.

After what felt like ages of running, he reached Merlin and shoved his sword through the smaller boy's stomach, screaming as he did so. The second the sword went through him the voices stopped, and Arthur realized what he has just done. He caught Merlin before he hit the ground, and held the bleeding man close to his chest.

His whole world was crashing around him. He had just run a sword through his best friend. How could he have possibly have done that? The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt Merlin; he was the most important person in Arthur's life, and he had recently started to feel something much more than friendship towards his manservant. Arthur felt a terrible scream leave his own lips; this couldn't be happening.

"I'm so sorry, Merlin, I'm so sorry!" Arthur cried, feeling the other man's blood soaking him, "don't die, please don't die!" He rocked Merlin's now unconscious body back and forth, feeling hot tears pouring out of his eyes at a rapid rate. His entire heart felt like it was being torn apart by a knife, and he didn't have any idea what to do about it.

Merlin couldn't die, he just couldn't. Arthur didn't think that he could go on without him, not after everything they've done together. It wouldn't be physically possible to live knowing that Merlin had died at is own hands. The guilt and fear was clouding Arthur's head as his body was racked by sobs, and he felt himself being torn away from Merlin by Gwaine.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Gwaine screamed as he scooped Merlin up into his arms, the rest of the Knights simply staring in shock at the scene in front of them. When Arthur said nothing, and just kept sitting in the grass rocking back and forth with sobs, Percival grabbed him by the shoulder and yanked him up. "Back to Camelot. Now." Gwaine ordered, knowing that Merlin only had so little time left. He hoisted Merlin up onto his horse and rushed back to the castle, Arthur and the rest of the Knights following close behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> You'll get the story of what happened next chapter :)  
> Expect weekly updates.


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